I feel constantly jealous of other people’s love lives now. I feel totally selfish because I hate seeing or listening to my friends strolling around town with their significant other, singing about how happy and in love they are. Fuck that. I hate all of you.
Yep, I’m pretty much constantly jealous and I swear at people in my head, whether it’s on Tumblr or Facebook, in person, through text, or whatever, I just get really pissed off and I want to kill them all.
No offense if you’re one of the friends I’m talking about. I’m still happy for you guys and I love you all to death, but I freaking hate you all.
I think it’s so weird how you can wake up one day and go through the same thing that you always do; you wake up, get ready, walk out the door, go to school, go home, go to work, go home, and go to sleep. But then something happens in that normal routine that changes life as you know it. Suddenly you wake up the next day and everything is different. You start to think that you stepped into an alternate universe; you can’t tell if you’re finally waking up or if it feels like you finally went to sleep, but either way, everything is completely different. You’ve gone from being someone that you’ve grown so accustomed to being, but in one instant, with one simple action, your whole world changes and you have no idea what role you’re supposed to play anymore.
It’s so strange and I still can’t get over it all. Three weeks ago I was young, in love, scared and excited for the future, ready for school, armed with plenty of friends, and at the peak of your academic career, but one day it all changed.
I got up that morning not knowing that tomorrow I would wake up differently. I got up on that Sunday morning, took the long drive home, sat on the computer to catch up on my television shows, and then that’s when it happened. And suddenly I don’t have that other half of me anymore, the fright and excitement for school and the future, the friends that I used to, or the academic drive. I was just plain different.
It’s not so much the fact that I was left heartbroken; I was just left alone, which is interesting to think about because all this time I thought I was just heartbroken and in a way I was, or am, but now I am seeing that although I technically am, it is so much deeper and complicated than that. Loneliness is one of the most complicated feelings I have ever felt and it is so easy to confuse it with other thoughts or feelings.
I used to have a grudge against people who would put romantic and friendly relationships really high on their priority list. I just thought they were stupid, selfish, naïve, worthless, pathetic, weak, defeated, and so many other harsh adjectives, but I am now starting to understand them. I now know how high up you feel when you love someone, when you TRULY love someone, not as in it’s just another high school relationship and you feel the need to say those words just because you feel that’s how it should be, but when you say those words because you really mean them. After you feel a deep, profound love like that, it’s hard to go back to live as it used to be and not because you are heartbroken, but because you are lonely, because you were so used to living with this other attachment that now it feels like you just aren’t whole.
That’s how I feel right now, I almost feel empty because that relationship felt like half of me. When I think about everything that went on while we were dating, it’s hard to see how I made through all of that time without him. I got to the point where I started imagining our future together, I guess I still do that now, but in doing so, I have no idea now where I am going or who I even am. The Brittany that was around long before he came around would be beating the crap out of the present me for even thinking that you need someone else to go through life with. And it really is stupid. Who said you need someone to live life normally with? But once you feel love and dependence, it’s so hard to go back and suddenly every mountain seems too high to climb, every ocean seems too long to swim, and every cloud feels too imaginary to touch.
It’s just weird. I don’t know how else to explain all of this, but now I’m just feeling like a leech and I am constantly on the lookout for someone to fall for. I know that’s not how it works, but I’m so desperate to feel on top of the world again; it’s a feeling I miss more than anything.
“As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention”—Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West By: Gregory Maguire (via mzbebel)